There is such a mix of emotions that go on inside of the mothers of miscarriage. At first these emotions can entirely dominate us. The grief can be debilitating in the beginning. This period lasts however long it lasts, with my last loss I did not have contact with the outside world hardly, for two weeks. I couldn’t face anyone, I could barely face myself and my family (my husband and daughter). As this was my third loss I was not looking forward to hearing anyones opinions on what happened, why it happened, or what to look forward to in the future. What about now though? It’s been almost six months since I lost the baby, I recovered from the hopelessness and the social anxiety. I’ve faced the world and heard some good things and some not so good things. I have learned to adjust to life again and things are going pretty well in my life. Though the devastation has subsided and the open wound has become a scar, it still hurts when prodded. Like when a friend or acquaintance announces they are expecting. Or when I realize how much closer the should have been due date is getting. Or when October 15th rolls around as a day of remembrance for our angels. Or any other time that may come up that I am just reminded of what should be, but not just what should be or could have been, but when I remember what was, the baby that was and then all of a sudden wasn’t anymore.
It is these times that I find myself at a loss of where to turn, most of the time, I just accept the pain and I cry. I cry, then it passes, as I am thrown back into the reality that is now my life. Sometimes though I just need to let it out; I need to tell someone where I’m at; I need a hug I need someone to tell me that it’s okay to feel this way no matter how long it’s been. I have found though that with a pain that is deeper than what I can even comprehend myself it can be very hard to relay to someone else what’s going on inside of me.
I was talking with a friend recently who had lost her baby about two weeks after I lost mine, she was due a month before me. We will call her Elle to keep her anonymity. Elle was telling me how hard it is sometimes when she is trying to tell someone where she’s at. Trying to relay why she cries at baby commercials; Why she hurts when she finds out that one more person is happily expecting. After talking to a very dear friend who we will name Shelly, Elle felt misunderstood and misrepresented. These feelings brought her to a place of feeling isolated. Shelly was only trying to help when she told Elle that there would be opportunities in the future to have the baby she so deeply desired. She didn’t do anything wrong, she was trying to give hope to a hurting friend. Elle wasn’t looking for hope though. Shelly had misunderstood, she thought that Elle wanted a baby, when what Elle really wanted was HER baby, the one that had died, the one that she should be cradling in her arms a month from now, but never will. Shelly thought that her friend was reminiscing what could have been or should have been under different circumstances, but that isn’t so, for the bereaved mother. She is grieving what should have been, yes, but not just what should have been, but what was. The baby that was living inside of her, that died. She was not just sad that she couldn’t be a mother right now she was sad that the baby she did mother was never coming back. She was grappling with the uncertainties of why, why there are people in this world who never wanted children have several, “accidentally,” without a hiccup. Why mothers who use drugs their entire pregnancy are blessed with beautiful babies who’s lives they will cause so much pain in, and she, someone who tried to do everything right had her baby taken away. We wonder what it is that we do to deserve this injustice. It’s not that we need answers, or just have to know why, but we do wonder. Do we not? It is important to us to hear that we are not alone. Not that someone else has been through it necessarily, but that the people around us care, and are there for us, to listen, to lean on.
Sometime the best way to be a good friend to the bereaved mother is just to listen, no matter how many times she brings it up over the months. No matter how many times she says the same thing. I think in our society we think that when someone brings up a problem, they need advice, they need to be fixed. But no one can fix the mother who’s child has gone. There is no dilemma, there is just one day at a time, and one day at a time is the only thing that can ease the pain. It’s important to be a safe place for the mother’s of angels. It’s okay to say, “I wish I knew what to say but I don’t”. It’s okay not to have all the answers, no one does. It’s okay to say, “I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, I wish I could ease the burden.” Just know that by being there, by letting her get it all out, you are helping more than you think.
There is life after loss, it’s not the life we thought we’d have after we saw two blue lines on the pregnancy test, but it is life, and it can be a good life. I have many blessings in my life that I am grateful for today. I think more about the good than I do about the bad. I enjoy things, I smile, I laugh and I mean it. I’m real. I don’t have to put on a mask to show the world I’m not dying inside, because I’m not anymore. I am a wife, a mother, a student, a friend. I have experienced three miscarriages. There is no one thing that can define me, my experiences, the good and the painful have all molded me into the person that I am today, a person that I am proud of being. I truly believe I will see my angels again. I believe they’re waiting for me, I’m not in a rush to get to them, I know they are safe and I have a purpose on this earth for the time being. If anything good came of my losses, it is this, that I can be a more compassionate and loving friend. I can share my experiences with others. I can appreciate more the people that God has put in my life. Life is short and we never know how long we have or how long our loved ones have, it’s important to cherish all of them everyday.
I hope that I can help just one person with what I write. I don’t only write for others but for myself, because sometimes, you just have to let it out. Let me know your thoughts.
--CE
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