Taboo
advective
Proscribed by society as improper or unacceptable
Synonyms: prohibited, banned, forbidden.
Pregnant
adjective
Having a child or other offspring developing in the body: with child or young, as a woman or female mammal
Miscarriage
noun
The expulsion of a fetus before it is viable, especially between the third and seventh months of pregnancy; spontaneous abortion
The definition of pregnant sounds about right. How happy everyone is when a pregnancy is announced; when you tell the world, you are with child. From family and close friends there are expressions of joy, there are hugs, sometimes there are even tears from all of the excitement. All the women you tell start telling you about their pregnancies and what they think you should expect. How the morning sickness was hard but it passes, and it is SO worth it! They talk about the birth of their children and the unbreakable bond that they feel. They are so happy that you will be joining their ranks of motherhood; the most challenging yet most rewarding time in ones life. Nobody says, “In nine months we might have a baby, of course, if the fetus is viable.”
No, they are with child, and at the end of 9 months, everyone expects that they will have, a child.
When I was pregnant with my first child, I was terrified. I wasn’t ready to be a mom, but after the initial shock I was overjoyed. I started finding myself in the infant section of every store, caressing the tiny outfits with outstretched fingers. Dreaming of how my baby would look wrapped in the little, soft blankets. Thinking about what colors I would like in the nursery that I would make just for them. I bought one of the outfits, it was a red velour one piece with little fluffy white outlines. I bought it in 0-3 months, since my baby was due in October, they would fit into it by Christmas; I thought. No one had told me that it was even a possibility that my baby would never grow outside of my womb.
I was 5 weeks 3 days when I found out that this would be the case. That at the end of nine months I would have no baby. I was devastated. No one else was. I heard everyones opinions, the same people who told me of all the joy I should expect, and how being a mother is the greatest gift. They told me, this just wasn’t meant to be. I was too young anyways. I would have other babies. And the best one, “At least you weren’t further along.” Really? So if I had been further along, then I would have to right to grieve? So it was meant to be that my baby die, would that be the case if your baby died? All of the other horrible horrible things that happen in the world on a daily basis, those people who die in the worst ways, their lives just weren’t meant to be right? So no one should grieve them, right? I had heard countless stories of amazing single mothers raising more than one child on their own, finishing college while working multiple jobs. As hard as their situations were, their children grew up to praise them for their hard work and dedication and love for them. I was more than willing to do whatever it took, but because I was too young, I could not measure up, I would not be a sufficient mother. Then the “you can have more babies.” Oh so you know this for certain? You just know that I am not infertile? And even if I am capable of having other children, I was not allowed to love this one? Because they weren’t meant to be, right? Yes the same people who encouraged me when they found I was pregnant were the same people knocking me blow by blow. minimizing my pain and my fears for the future. Why?
Today after 4 pregnancies and one child to show for them all, I have found that miscarriage is just a taboo subject. I have come to the conclusion that the reasons for this are many. People become the most insensitive in this time of grief in a woman’s life. In a society where it is okay to stop a heart and rip out all of the “tissue” so that people don’t have to be parents to unwanted children, it certainly minimizes peoples view of human life inside the womb. It isn’t just for people who lose their babies in the first trimester either though. I have joined support groups for women who have lost their pregnancies at any stage and there are women who were 20 weeks along sometimes further, who knew the sex of the baby who had bought items for baby and started painting the nursery who have been given a certain amount of time to grieve by the people around them, then are told that they really need to move on with their lives. Or told, “I knew someone who lost their 3 year old, at least this didn’t happen to you.” WOW! Can we be appalled yet?
Sometimes we hear these answers because people just don’t know what to say. Other times I think it’s fear. If we talk about the loss, if people have to hear about our pain, it makes rise for fear. Could it happen to me? No one wants to think like that. No one wants to give grounds to the thought ”in nine months, we might not have a baby.”
I have spent many days of my life in tears, not understanding why I was feeling what I was feeling because the world around me said it shouldn’t hurt so much. I found in the end I had to be true to myself. If I am in pain, I am allowed to be. No one is allowed to minimize that. I do not allow that to give reason to argue with those who say otherwise, in that I feel that I have the right to not receive the harsh words they give. I have the right to explain that I AM in pain and that they shouldn’t be so rude as to tell me what I can and cannot feel. Eventually more people will come to realize this but for now, I’ll just share my story.
I am not here for the people who do not understand although I would hope if they read this that they will learn that in a situation like this. If you have nothing to give because you do not understand, you can say, “I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine”. I am not here for the people who would like to argue the stage at which human life begins. I personally believe in the human soul, and I believe it is present at the time of conception. I would much rather believe this and find that I am wrong than to not believe so and find that I was wrong. I am here for the woman who has had to learn what I have. The woman who will never again be able to enjoy a pregnancy because she is overcome by fear. The woman who’s world has crashed around her. I’m here to tell her that she’s not alone, that it’s okay to cry hysterically and scream into her pillow in the dead of night. To tell her that she isn’t crazy for missing the little one she dreamt about.
It is normal to have a period of grief so strong that it feels debilitating. It is normal to feel a twinge of anger when your friend announces that she is with child, so unassumingly. I don’t feel it’s okay to put said woman in her place and remind her that things may not turn out the way she plans. We are each on a journey and each circumstance we go through can make us better and stronger or we can allow it to haunt us and bring us to the lowest of our lows.
I have been at both ends. With my first two losses I drank myself into oblivion and went into a downward spiral. Eventually, with the help of God, I was able to pick up the pieces. I have a beautiful daughter who lights up my world and her father is my wonderful husband, he is also the father of the second and 4th child that I lost. My last miscarriage was seven weeks ago. This time I grieved just as hard, just not destructively. It shook the very foundation I stood on, it toyed with my faith in God, but could not take it away. I have found that through my experiences I can help others. This is my mission now. To let people know, there is light at the end of this tunnel, there can be joy through pain and turmoil. And when it seems people have turned their backs, there are people out there willing to listen, who care. People who have felt the same pain and gotten through it. There are also others who know different pain who will not minimize yours, find them. There are online support groups on facebook and you can find others on google. I have yet to join a face to face group, but I know they exist and I am considering starting my own if that is God’s will.
I hope that you can find peace where you are. Whatever the case, there is a future for you, you can decide how bright it is, just allow yourself the time to feel when the feelings come. Have a great day and God bless.
